Communication at its finest

So much has happened in the last 7 months.  I broke off a relationship, never went to Seattle, went boating in Idaho which was amazing, played on the kickball team again, went to Phoenix over Labor Day to visit my cousin and her new baby, and had a nice relaxing birthday weekend in Gateway, Colorado.

I also took time off from the opposite sex.  I was over all of it.  I was tired of the lies, the non committalness, and wanted to regroup and see how I felt after awhile.  I’m just tired of it never working out.  I want to be with someone, I want to have someone give a crap just like I do.  I don’t want to have to lie to myself that “this one is different” cause truth is, guys who live in Utah aren’t.  

Which brings me to my current state of contentment.  I have been seeing someone for about 6 weeks now, and things are good.  We’ve had minor hiccups, but the majority of the time has been positive and I’m looking forward to the ride.  I think that it’s due to him knowing what he wants, that he’s not waiting for the ‘next best thing’, he’s passionate about what he does, he communicates (to the tune of 10 hour phone conversations), isn’t afraid to  say what’s on his mind- good or bad, he genuinely cares, and he’s open about his feelings toward me.  I know where I stand with him and our relationship and that is something I haven’t had in years.  

In my never ending quest to get the hell out of Utah, I am frustrated yet ok with not finding a job yet.  I would love to leave sooner rather than later, but I am ok with staying until my daughter is out of school in June.  So here I sit, applying for jobs that I know I won’t get, but I do it anyway.

I’ve also started contributing again to a blog which I’ve enjoyed.  The comments are pretty hilarious to some of my posts.  People really are special.    

Speaking of special...  What the hell is with people coming out of the wood works and trying to communicate lately?  It’s really annoying.  My communication suffered a bit last week which was later rectified, I received a text Friday night from a former friend.  I really need to change my number.  Anyways, this person said I was right about a certain situation that happened over 2 years ago, and that I deserved an apology for what happened, and that they were sorry we were not friends anymore.  Fantastic right?  Nope.  Because of said situation, I no longer trust anyone affiliated with that group of people, or new people in general, and this person has texted before the same info, so why again now?  Are they trying to get me to say something, are they drunk & reliving this situation again, I don’t know.  It’s been 2 years.  Leave it alone.  So I told her that it wasn’t her fault, but at least she has a relationship with her sister (that was a total bitch dig) and that there was no way in hell I would ever tell her anything about me.  Just like the time I ran into another one of them at the grocery store and she asked how my daughter was doing (she is good friends with someone who is friends with daughters father) and I kept it formal and didn’t say much.  There was no way I was saying anything and then having her tell the group.

Salt Lake is much too small for me…..   

I know what it feels like, but what does it look like?

I'm talking about my heart.  Right now it feels deflated, crumpled and in a wad on the floor.  It hurts.  It mourns.  It cries.  It's for the what if's, the what could be's, the endless rejection and pain.

I have never been one to take the easy road.  I do things that people don't understand, or can comprehend.

Today I was supposed to drive 16 hours in a Uhaul with someone that everyone is not a fan of.  Then I would spend the next 3 days with this person, then fly home.  I would miss work, Easter with Aush, and be in a place that was unfamiliar, with someone I was comfortable with, but have not spent much time with.

I thought of this as an opportunity to get to know him better, get some insight as to why, hours of talking, and just have an adventure with someone that I care about for the simple fact that he is half of why Aush is here.  Yes it may not be the smartest thing, or something people will never understand why, how or not agree, and I am not asking them to.  All I am asking is for people to be supportive.  Nothing more, nothing less.

We decided that with his work hours unbearable and long, that now would not be a good time, but that in a few weeks we would reevaluate the situation, and I may possibly go up there for a long weekend.  Sounds like we're getting together right?  Nope.  Not at all.  He is different since the move.  He is vulnerable, lonely, homesick, genuine and selfish now, and wanting familiarity.  We are each others safe place where everything is comfortable.  There isn't this need to be somebody that we aren't, or prove something to each other.  We have also talked a lot more lately than we ever have.  He confides, I listen, I advise, give encouraging words, and be there for him.  Like I am for everyone.  He is no different.

I cry because I am mourning his departure, not knowing if or when I will see him again, and it hurts.  I mourn the opportunity this would have been for us.  The adventure.  The unknown.  Was I thinking that this would change everything and he would now want to be involved in our child's life?  Heavens no.  That was never in my thought process and I am not that naive.  I came to terms with that within the first few months of her existence.  

Now more then ever I feel a sense of urgency to leave Utah.  To remove myself from everything that is here since I feel like I'm just standing still in life.  Nothing excited me anymore, or makes me want to stay, which is a huge red flag.  I don't know when it will happen, but the time will come and I will be so excited.      

A rough weekend and a decision made

This past weekend was full of insight, tears, loss, mourning, rebirth & celebration.

Friday I went and had my cards read.  I have been struggling the last few months with some feelings that I have been having, and decided I needed some insight.  It was very helpful.  I followed the advice, and one situation turned out like he had said, although not the way I wanted it to turn out, but I knew deep down that it wasn't meant to be.  It's just hard admitting and realizing that to yourself, let alone, have the other person validate it as well.  I was also told a few other things that other psychics and mediums have told me as well, and the decision has been made.  I am moving this summer to California.  For awhile I have felt like Utah isn't the place for me and that what I want is not here.  It has been confirmed by 3 people now that my feeling is right, all of them telling me the same location, so there I shall go.  No fear.  Just go.  Have faith in what is supposed to be.

I also had to say goodbye to my amazing dog Pooda.  There will never be another dog like her.  Ever.  I got her when she was 8 weeks old- she was born June 17, 2001.  Jason and I wanted to get a dog, so I looked in the paper and found dachshunds for the price I wanted to pay for a dog.  I had no idea what the heck a dachshund was, but off we went.  As the puppies came running out, all I cared about was the runt.  The one left behind.  The one no one paid attention to.  That was to be mine.  Jason said once he saw my face as I looked at that dog, he knew we weren't leaving without it.  I was in love.  She gravitated to Jason more and I loved coming home seeing him playing with her, or putting her in the tub with him when he had a bath- watching her swim, teaching her to sit pretty, going for walks downtown, putting her in flower beds to see how small she really was, etc.  She was like our child.  That's all I took pictures of.  Him and her.  Her and me.  We took her everywhere.  That's when my mom became Nana.

Pooda had some health issues this summer/fall time and the vet said she may have cancer, so she was put on steroids to prolong her life a bit.  A few weeks ago she stopped eating and started throwing up and having diarrhea.  She got back on the steroids and was able to eat again, and looked better.  Christmas she was normal.  Loving everyone.  Sat with me all day, sleeping between me and the back of the couch.  I brought her home and she spent the night.  Thursday night Poo's eyes were cloudy.  Friday my mom said that she was acting odd and getting lost, walking around in circles, getting stuck in corners and crying.  I looked online and it said that it could be Alzheimers.  We then decided to take her Tuesday to the vet to get checked out.  I didn't see Pooda Saturday, then on Sunday at church, my mom texted saying that she wasn't good and was taking her to the vet.  My sister called 3 times, before I finally picked up saying that I needed to come now since she may have to be put down.  I told them no, and that I was on my way.  We got to the clinic and mom told me that Pooda had a seizure earlier that day, and that when she peed, she fell over.  She had no strength to stand.  I lost it.  Her eyes were incredibly clouded over, she was shaking, she was uncomfortable, and I just held my baby.  I kissed her, and made the decision to put her down.  This is not the kind of life I wanted for her.  I didn't want her to suffer anymore.  We went to the exam room, and the vet came in and said that she had gone blind in both eyes, and that behavior she had been displaying meant a high probability that she had a brain tumor.  I lost it again.  But I knew that I was doing the right thing.  Everyone had come to the clinic except for my dad who is never good with this stuff.  We all cried, kissed her, hugged her and said our last goodbye's.  Ausha went outside the room with my brother and sister in law, while myself, my sister and Nana stayed.  I put my hand over her little body on her chest, and felt her last heartbeat.  It was agonizing.  We wrapped her back in the blanket and took her home.  The next day we took her to our normal vet to have her cremated.  She was there through everything.  When I brought Ausha home from the hospital, she would hover over the crib and watch this new thing in the house.  Nana was afraid she would jump in and crush her.  Pooda loved Ausha and Ausha loved Pooda.  Poo was her older sister & we'd joke about it.

So dealing with that, we also had to go through with celebrating Ausha's birthday as a family that day.  We had cake, ice cream, grilled cheese sandwiches, laughed about our memories of Pooda, and told the girls that all dogs go to heaven because they made a movie about it.

Then at my cousins annual New Year's Eve party, my cousin from Phoenix surprised everyone by coming up for a few days announcing she was pregnant.  Finally!  I am so excited for her.  It is finally her time and she will be a great mom.  At midnight when the ball dropped, everyone on tv were kissing, and I lost it.  That is all I have ever wanted on New Year's and the thought of having it finally this year, then not, was hard.  I looked over and my second cousin is getting engaged to her boyfriend.  At that point, I could not take anymore.  The pain was unbearable.  I grabbed my stuff and left.  I feel horrible for not congratulating them, but I was going through so much, I couldn't at that exact moment.  I am happy for her, no doubt about that, but feeling like I failed at something else (again), and that the universe was throwing it in my face.

Talking to my friend Amanda about leaving, she said it made sense since Utahns marry so early on, get divorced in their late 20's early 30's and the last thing on their mind is being in a committed relationship.  I want to be in a relationship.  I want to be in love.  For the first time ever.  Real love.  I want to have someone to come home to.  I want to be loved.  I want the perfect person for me.  I want my daughter to have a good male role model.  I want to have what other people have been able to find so easily, or have found more than once.  I know I won't find it here, and so I can't stay somewhere where I am not happy, or be afraid to leave cause California is expensive, etc.  People are not happy with this decision, but it is my life and I have to do what I feel is right for me, live my life for me, not to please other people or do what I think other people would be happy with.

I have already put my plan into action, and soon be following through with it.  Rebirth is on the horizon.      
            

Lately

It has been almost a week since we got home from our annual trip to Disneyland.  It was quite the adventure and as usual, lots of fun!

We drove this year and I took a friend with me.  We spent 2 nights in Santa Clarita, 2 nights in L.A, and 2 nights in Rancho Palos Verdes.  We went to Six Flags, SeaWorld, Disneyland, and California Adventure.  It was quite a good time with divey motels, luxury suites, and endless beaches.  So many beaches that I was a happy girl.  We spent a night in Vegas on the way home and the three of us went to the Strip and watched the fountains at the Bellagio which was awesome.  Everyone had a fantastic time and we all came back in one piece.

Things are extremely good right now.  In every aspect of my life.  I am happy, content, satisfied, focused, level, and consistent.  Life is too short, and I'm trying to make everything count.  For the better.  Surrounding myself with positive and ridding of the negative.  I have no time or patience for bullshit, and I am getting better at telling people where to go and walking away without feeling bad or guilty.

The only thing that keeps playing in my head is slow, slow slow.

Thank you all for your love and support.  I hold each of you tight in my heart.      

Letting Go

This has been a constant struggle for me in my life.  One of my faults.  I hold on to things longer then I should, hoping that things will change & they never do. 

On Monday I went with my cousin to Park City.  She just moved here from NYC, and wanted to see what it was like.  I spent the night at her apartment in downtown, and we headed up mid Monday morning.  We walked up and down Main Street, checked out some shops, had lunch, and as we were walking back to the car, we stopped in a New Age store.  She is very much into crystals, and all that, so this was her cup of tea.  She found out that there was a lady there that did readings, so she decided to have a reading.  Then I decided I wanted to too.  So 30 minutes later, I was sitting in front of this petite lady ready to hear it.  Now think what you will, but unless you've had an experience with one, keep your mouth shut.  She said things to me that I have heard before from other psychics, mediums, etc.  I asked her what was up with my shitty love life, she thought for a moment and then asked if I was afraid of being alone.  That's when I broke down.  Yes I am terrified of being alone.  I am alone already & it is miserable.  What did I do to deserve not having anyone to go through life with?  Someone to help be a good example to AK, to be there to share the days events with, to plan adventures with, to be there for AK if god forbid something happened to me.  I told her that every man I have met & or dated since February has been nothing but a disappointment and I'm about ready to give up.  Literally, every one.  She said that I am so close to getting what I want, that I can't give up, and that the reason they all came at once was so that I could break the cycle.  The cycle of being treated like shit, taken advantage of, only being one sided, being nothing but a stepping stool until the next one came along, etc.  It made sense.  I can't get what I want if I keep allowing the useless ones in.  She also said that I need to let go.  Let go of everything that is not good in my life, stop holding on to relationships that are not going anywhere, and I know that, she knows that, they know that.  She told me I needed to go to an energy healer so that my heart can be healed from all the pain, hurt, agony it has dealt with for so long.  She said that I don't trust people, and I don't.  Words mean nothing to me.  Actions mean more then any words.  Ever.  She asked me who broke my spirituality, and I know who it was.  It was the same person that even after all these months, still brings me to tears and I hate that.  I feel like such an idiot for still caring about him and why I didn't walk away sooner, and by not doing that, my whole life broke.  I still had all out texts in my phone, and I looked through them the other day and cried.  It feels like it was a sham.  None of anything meant anything because of his actions later on.  I finally deleted them and felt better.  Then I get online and see him and his new gf taking pictures in Vegas, and instantly I am back to being in pieces.  We planned on going there, now he is with her there.  I was replaced by a married, skinny woman who has a special needs kid and they work together.  A total slap in the face.  She also said that everything is a worthy thing for me.  That I don't feel worthy enough to have someone good in my life, that I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or have anything to offer someone, and she said that is not true- that I am worthy, and spirit knows it too, I just have to heal myself.  She told me some other interesting things, and so now I just have to take time for me and heal.

So tonight I texted the latest one and told him I wished him the best and that I hope everything works out for him.  I haven't heard from him in over a week after he ghosted on me and never returned any of my texts.  I have no idea what happened, and apparently I am not good enough for an explanation either.  Awesome.

I am still fragile emotionally, and I owe it to myself to become whole again, and to repair the damage that has been done for 13+ years.  I have never been in love and I want to experience that before I die.  I just hope that happens.            

What a difference a month makes!

Since last month, I took AK and we went with some cousins to see Foster The People.  Amazing, amazing show!  I absolutely loved it, and so did AK.  We need to do those kinda things more often together.

I also reconnected with a guy that I dated a few years back, only to see that he was still the same lame ass he was when we were dating.  He apologized for the way he treated me, especially if it hurt me, which was very interesting to hear.  He wanted to pick up where we left off (he was engaged at the time we were dating) and I promptly put an end to things.  Once a liar and a cheater, always a liar and a cheater.

I then started talking to a nice fellow mid July.  We shall see where it goes.

I have also been in more frequent communication with Corey.  He has had some things happen that were unexpected and frankly heartbreaking for me, and we have had many long chats at night about things.  I even went over and fixed him dinner the other night and told him that I would help him.  We talk about everything- him, me, us, life, work, desires for our lives, etc.  He did ask "why I was out so late on a school night, cause don't you have a kid at home you're raising" which made me smile.  I won't ask for more.  He even gave me a book to give to her.  People will never understand why I am nice to the man that refuses to have anything to do with our child, and I get that.  I can't be mad or hate the person that gave me the best gift in my life, cause then wouldn't it be saying that I hate/dislike my child's existence?  Frankly, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  This is what we both signed up for.  What we both knew we would be dealing with.  This is how it was meant to be and I wouldn't change it for the world.  I like the relationship that everyone has with eachother.  Ours as a friend/confidant, him not in her life one moment and out the next, and mine and her's being as strong as can be because he is not in the picture.  This is why I also do not want anymore kids.  I can't put another child through what AK is struggling with, and will most likely struggle with until she meets him and forgives him.  Until that time comes, if ever, it will be a hard road for her, and I can't be there for her like I am now if I've got another kid in the mix.  AK needs stability and she has that with me- will always have that.  I can't jeopardize that. 

Things are better then they have been in a long time.  I'm starting school again in September, have some weekend getaways planned, people to go see and do stuff with, and have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. 

I am me.  I am happy.           

Observations and stuff

So I was out and about this weekend at various venues, and I couldn't help but wonder why girls are more accepting/open/willing when it comes to dating guys, but guys are not.  It blows me away.

I have decided that I can no longer hold onto things that I think I need/want in my life.  I will no longer be the girl that guys come to when there is no other option.  I want to be the first choice, not the consolation prize.  I want someone to give a shit as much as I do, not when it only benefits them.  If somone can't call or text, or smoke signal me in 2 weeks, then it is a clear indication as to where they view me as a part of thier life, which is not in it.  So I will be done.  Done with the games, the bullshit, the heartache, the what if's, the chasing.  For my emotional well being, I can't do it anymore.  My plan is to turn around and walk away.  Walk away from everything and the possibility of anything.  This is why I stayed single for so long.  Why I prefer sex over a relationship.  You know where you stand with sex, and the constant up and down of dating/relationships is too much for me.  Either that or I'm just finding the relationship impaired to date.....

Keep everyone at arms length, and don't let them in.  Don't share anything.  Don't be vulnerable.  Don't be weak.

So with all of that decided, I felt it was time to do something for myself that would make me happy, something I've wanted for a very long time.  Something I have put a lot of thought into.  I got a new tattoo.  I absolutely love it.  It has a lot of meaning/symbolism to it and it made me feel again.

Since about February I have not felt anything except hurt, pain, dissapointment, frustration, aggrivation and betrayal.  Nothing makes me happy anymore.  Nothing excites me.  I have become very disenchanted with everything, to the point I stopped eating.  No matter what I did or didn't do, I still got the same result.  I don't do well with a lot of confusion or mess and that is all that my life has been as of late.

I have decided to take a break from school until the fall so that I can get myself healthy again.  Healthy thoughts, non eating under control, insomnia fixed, more stable emotionally and in my head.  I've been better at the eating thing, and trying to sleep, but it is a constant struggle every day.  I can thank the huge amount of stress for the non eating, but then I look at it and think that eating got me fat, helped me put up walls so I wouldn't get hurt, so why would I want to eat now?  In 2 weeks I lost 15 lbs, and I have managed to keep it off.  No it's not healthy, and I'm trying to intergrate healthy food only back into my diet and not the junk that I was polluting myself with for so long.  So I am eating about once a day now- not what people would like, but it's a start.  Give it time.

I would really like to spend more time with the people I feel like I have negelected over the past couple months/years.  I feel like I need to make amends.  Make things right.  Don't know why the urgency, but I feel like I need to do it sooner, rather then later.

I have also been working on my exercising.  I've done a few 5k's, and I joined a kickball league & will start kickboxing next week.  I wouldn't say I'm excited, but it will be fun to be involved in something, meet new people, beat the crap out of something.....

I need a nice vacation on a beach, with a hot latin man serving me drinks. 

What a Year Makes

Well the last year has been nothing but interesting.  I moved, no longer work for the company I was at for 8 years, decided what I wanted to be and went back to college, went back to church, got a new job, saw my brother get married, found out sister eloped, was on a podcast, got a church calling, dated a few dudes, and best of all, I got to spend the whole summer with AK.  The longest time we've spent together since her birth.

I am going to school for a Bachelors in Human Resources.  So far so good, although this last semester kicked my butt.  I was not motivated to do my classes, and here I am, 3 weeks left of the term and trying to complete a 4 credit class.  Go me! 

I love my new place of employment.   Absolutely love it! It's such a positive environment, good people, good perks, no drama, super good times.

If you want to hear the podcast, let me know and I'll send you the link. It was already outdated by the time it aired.

The dudes. Oh holy shit.  The first one was a whirlwind of WTF's. It ended when he waived his "I'm crazy" flag by telling me I was still in love with Corey, which I find hard to do when I was never in love with him, I just had a kid with the guy. Sheesh.  The second was better to some extent.  I didn't do anything that I normally do in relationships, yet it still didn't work out.  We decided that we are better as friends, and that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, which is pretty much what I knew from the beginning, but was too afraid to admit.  He taught me a lot. I truly hope we can be friends because I do care about him- he was really good to/for AK and I. A very kind person, just a little scared.

So to back up just a little, I went and saw a psychic a couple weeks after meeting dude #2.  She confirmed a lot about the kind of person I am, how I am, and other things that I only know about.  I asked about dude #2 and she said that he wasn't seeing anyone else (yet he was) and that we would be together for a year before I found "the one."  So I guess that's why I held on to the dating aspect of the relationship hoping things would change, and was disappointed when it obviously didn't end up like that. 

So here I am, again, single and not wanting to mingle.  I am stir crazy, I want to get out of Utah for a bit, refocus on myself, focus more on school, being more dedicated to losing weight, having fun, spending time with AK, and have no expectations about anything or anyone.

Duh, Winning!

Well at least Charlie Sheen is, cause I sure as hell am not.

Life is about learning and growing and trying to be a good person, right? Well I have mastered suffering, pain, hurt and rejection. Is it too much to ask that I learn something new? I must have been a serial killer in a past life to have this much shit happen, and none of it good.

Failure is my best friend. I continuously fail at everything. Just once I would like things to be simple, work out, my voice heard, my opinion taken into consideration, included in life events that I have to deal with.

Everyone has fears, but if we let them rule our lives, we'll miss out on great people. situations, and experiences. You told me to let go of my fears about letting people in, I did, and now you're telling me to go. Or that's what I assume since you won't tell me what is going on until Friday. If it's that important and dire that you get me out of your life, do it now and put me out of my misery. Try not to give me mixed signals either. That's what you did a week ago, and here we are today, you wanting to 'talk'. Don't say you'd fight for something if you're willing to throw in the towel before making an effort. Talk about being blindsided.

I'm just tired of everything. Tired of being lied to, tired of the games and bullshit, tired of always having to wait for the other person, yet being the first person to say sorry or that I was wrong. Tired of being accused about being a horrible friend, yet no evidence to back it up. Tired. Just damn tired.

I'm not perfect. Never said or proclaimed to be. No one is. I'm just a little more honest then the next person, and maybe people can't handle that. Don't know.

All I know is that there really isn't anything to look forward to and it sucks. I'm afraid I will always be the single friend. I'm almost 31 and apparently haven't mastered the art of dating nor do I think I want to. I don't see the benefit in being honest and opening yourself up to someone and being vulnerable just to continually get hurt.

April Showers Bring More Snow

Cali was fun, but thanks to my anxiety I was stressed the whole time. Ugh. Someone needs to get me a tranq now! Or ship me off to an island for a few years.

Before we even hit Sandy, Aush was out for the count. This made for a long, quiet drive until about Cedar City when she woke up and we stopped for gas and dinner. We ended up in Vegas about 10:30pm and went right to bed. The next day we got up and were on the road by 9am. We finally picked my mom up at the airport about 45 min after her plane landed and I felt horrible. I should really listen to mapquest and not think that I can shave an hour off of California roads. Spent some much needed time at the beach, which was calming and relaxing as always. I always seem to feel better after I go.

March was looooong and drug out forever. Thank god it's done and over with. Good and bad things happened in March. Had some good experiences, eyes opened, hearts shattered, dreams crushed, endings beyond my control, yet I was able to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I finally found a place to live come May and Ausha and I couldn't be more excited. We both need a new, fresh start and it couldn't have come at a better time.

We leave for Boston this week- I love spontaneous trips! Oh New England, are you ready for some sass from Utah?