I know what it feels like, but what does it look like?

I'm talking about my heart.  Right now it feels deflated, crumpled and in a wad on the floor.  It hurts.  It mourns.  It cries.  It's for the what if's, the what could be's, the endless rejection and pain.

I have never been one to take the easy road.  I do things that people don't understand, or can comprehend.

Today I was supposed to drive 16 hours in a Uhaul with someone that everyone is not a fan of.  Then I would spend the next 3 days with this person, then fly home.  I would miss work, Easter with Aush, and be in a place that was unfamiliar, with someone I was comfortable with, but have not spent much time with.

I thought of this as an opportunity to get to know him better, get some insight as to why, hours of talking, and just have an adventure with someone that I care about for the simple fact that he is half of why Aush is here.  Yes it may not be the smartest thing, or something people will never understand why, how or not agree, and I am not asking them to.  All I am asking is for people to be supportive.  Nothing more, nothing less.

We decided that with his work hours unbearable and long, that now would not be a good time, but that in a few weeks we would reevaluate the situation, and I may possibly go up there for a long weekend.  Sounds like we're getting together right?  Nope.  Not at all.  He is different since the move.  He is vulnerable, lonely, homesick, genuine and selfish now, and wanting familiarity.  We are each others safe place where everything is comfortable.  There isn't this need to be somebody that we aren't, or prove something to each other.  We have also talked a lot more lately than we ever have.  He confides, I listen, I advise, give encouraging words, and be there for him.  Like I am for everyone.  He is no different.

I cry because I am mourning his departure, not knowing if or when I will see him again, and it hurts.  I mourn the opportunity this would have been for us.  The adventure.  The unknown.  Was I thinking that this would change everything and he would now want to be involved in our child's life?  Heavens no.  That was never in my thought process and I am not that naive.  I came to terms with that within the first few months of her existence.  

Now more then ever I feel a sense of urgency to leave Utah.  To remove myself from everything that is here since I feel like I'm just standing still in life.  Nothing excited me anymore, or makes me want to stay, which is a huge red flag.  I don't know when it will happen, but the time will come and I will be so excited.