I know I have one, but here are the days of truly searching.
Turning 30 has undoubtedly thrown me for a loop. I am now breaking out the past and wondering where I went wrong. Or what have I done in a past life to deserve this. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and feel truly blessed and grateful for everything I have been through and experienced, because I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I'm just frustrated with how much pressure there is on people to be a certain way, or to obtain things or be something, or established by the time they hit 30.
Maybe it was the way I was raised. I don't know. I look at everyone I grew up with and they are all married, have a career, mortgage, kids, etc. and I feel as though I have missed the 'grown up' boat. But then I remember that I was 'married' for like 5minutes, have the kid, the good job without having to go to college, a great place to live, and the freedom to do whatever I want, when I want. So in a way I've been there, done that, and I have to remember that what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander, not everyone wants the same things, and that deep down, I love my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just wish I had someone to share it with other then my child.
People may not agree or approve with what I do, or how I live my life. There is nothing anyone can do to hurt me that hasn't already been done. I'm just tired of all the bullshit, games and ridiculousness. It's exhausting.
Maybe it's time to run away for a minute. Good thing I know where I'm going for this one, and it's soon.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wow
I am a total slacker. It's been 2 months and I totally need to be better at this since this is cheaper then therapy.
So the "crush" got crushed, had a few dates since then, but of course nothing serious. There's this current dude man who I was pretty smitten with until he opened his mouth and said he is dating other people, and has left me tonight after spending all day together to go out on another date. Then he texts me and tells me I'm awesome. Hmmm... WTF? I don't have time for bullshit like this, especially if he thinks I can trust him, and then he has balls to get upset that I question his character. Honestly? Wow. So in essence, I'm not holding much stock in this one, and having fun, just not committing to anything yet.
Two more weeks until Oahu and I am so excited. Who knew I would be excited visiting Hawaii, but I am. I am super excited to lay at the beach all day and do nothing. I'm excited to take Ausha snorkeling in the ocean since she is old enough now. I'm excited to turn another decade in the sun at the beach where I feel at home and peaceful. I'm excited to leave Utah for a week.
Ausha started 1st grade and absolutely loves it. Today she informed me that she has been in school for 14 days now. Apparently they are counting in class. On her first day, she came home and was super excited that she now gets 3 recesses, her own desk and hot lunch. I could not believe how much her eyes lit up when she was talking about it. I am so excited that she is excited to learn and loves school. I can thank her dad for passing that along since I loathed school.
Speaking of the ATM, he pretty much disagreed with everything, and now who knows when this will be resolved. It really is annoying and frustrating to say the least. Oh yeah, and the $1.25 overpayment. The state is holding $100 of Ausha's that she can't have unless I send the state my 2005, yes, my 2005 health insurance coverage information. Are you kidding me? Just so ATM can be credited $1.25. FML hardcore. Totally makes sense....
So the "crush" got crushed, had a few dates since then, but of course nothing serious. There's this current dude man who I was pretty smitten with until he opened his mouth and said he is dating other people, and has left me tonight after spending all day together to go out on another date. Then he texts me and tells me I'm awesome. Hmmm... WTF? I don't have time for bullshit like this, especially if he thinks I can trust him, and then he has balls to get upset that I question his character. Honestly? Wow. So in essence, I'm not holding much stock in this one, and having fun, just not committing to anything yet.
Two more weeks until Oahu and I am so excited. Who knew I would be excited visiting Hawaii, but I am. I am super excited to lay at the beach all day and do nothing. I'm excited to take Ausha snorkeling in the ocean since she is old enough now. I'm excited to turn another decade in the sun at the beach where I feel at home and peaceful. I'm excited to leave Utah for a week.
Ausha started 1st grade and absolutely loves it. Today she informed me that she has been in school for 14 days now. Apparently they are counting in class. On her first day, she came home and was super excited that she now gets 3 recesses, her own desk and hot lunch. I could not believe how much her eyes lit up when she was talking about it. I am so excited that she is excited to learn and loves school. I can thank her dad for passing that along since I loathed school.
Speaking of the ATM, he pretty much disagreed with everything, and now who knows when this will be resolved. It really is annoying and frustrating to say the least. Oh yeah, and the $1.25 overpayment. The state is holding $100 of Ausha's that she can't have unless I send the state my 2005, yes, my 2005 health insurance coverage information. Are you kidding me? Just so ATM can be credited $1.25. FML hardcore. Totally makes sense....
Monday, July 5, 2010
Mi Vida Loco
Since my last post, I have been super, super happy. I haven't been this happy in almost 2 years. Things are going the way they should and I couldn't be happier. Work is fantastic (just finished a 74 hour work week), and home life is always good. Whatever the future holds I am totally ready for it and whatever is thrown at me.
June went by amazingly fast, nothing too exciting to report except my court date, a call from ORS and my wonderful cousin Debi's wedding. Other then that it was uneventful. Court went as good as it could go. Ausha's ATM wanted me to submit to him again a year and a half's worth of daycare and medical proving the amount I said he owed was accurate, and it was, so hopefully in 15 days I can get my judgement and not have to go back to court. ORS said they were going to give said ATM credit for 'overpayment' to which was calculated to be $1.14 yet he owes me $5k so go figure. Now to the wedding. Debi has been more like a sister to me then a cousin and I am so happy that she has found someone to spend her life with and I couldn't be more happier for her. She deserves to be happy.
Now to July. Here it is, the 5th and I have a crush. Things are going very slow which for me is excruciating, but it needs to be as such. We talk daily and see each other once a week and have no plans on meeting family or kids until we are ready. He doesn't want anymore kids or to get married, so right off we are destined to be together. Yeah right. Trying to figure out a dude is the most retarded thing in the world, not to mention knowing if he's telling you the truth. I have trust issues and I don't trust people. You have to prove to me that you aren't a fuck up before I will believe you. Until then, I will end things at the most littlest thing because I don't want to get hurt. My walls are down, but I will throw in the towel if I feel you're not in it to win it. No wonder I'm single.
Time for a road trip....
June went by amazingly fast, nothing too exciting to report except my court date, a call from ORS and my wonderful cousin Debi's wedding. Other then that it was uneventful. Court went as good as it could go. Ausha's ATM wanted me to submit to him again a year and a half's worth of daycare and medical proving the amount I said he owed was accurate, and it was, so hopefully in 15 days I can get my judgement and not have to go back to court. ORS said they were going to give said ATM credit for 'overpayment' to which was calculated to be $1.14 yet he owes me $5k so go figure. Now to the wedding. Debi has been more like a sister to me then a cousin and I am so happy that she has found someone to spend her life with and I couldn't be more happier for her. She deserves to be happy.
Now to July. Here it is, the 5th and I have a crush. Things are going very slow which for me is excruciating, but it needs to be as such. We talk daily and see each other once a week and have no plans on meeting family or kids until we are ready. He doesn't want anymore kids or to get married, so right off we are destined to be together. Yeah right. Trying to figure out a dude is the most retarded thing in the world, not to mention knowing if he's telling you the truth. I have trust issues and I don't trust people. You have to prove to me that you aren't a fuck up before I will believe you. Until then, I will end things at the most littlest thing because I don't want to get hurt. My walls are down, but I will throw in the towel if I feel you're not in it to win it. No wonder I'm single.
Time for a road trip....
Monday, May 24, 2010
I Have Reached The Light
Wow, the last thing I posted was back in February. Sorry. Lots of things have happened- obviously- and I am happy to report that they are for the better.
I got promoted at work and moved back down to the Salt Lake office as of today, I had a boyfriend, new carpet installed throughout the house, saw my husband Jared Leto and went to Orlando to celebrate my dear friend Patty's retirement.
Some of you got to meet the boyfriend and as sad as I was to see the relationship end, I knew it wasn't going to last and we ended on good terms. I just wish we still hung out. But I think that's what I miss- companionship. I want to go do something with a male rather then chicks all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and enjoy our time together, it would just be nice to have that man around to watch dude movies with. Yeah, didn't sound too convincing did it? ;)
Orlando was awesome! Went all by myself for 5 days and had a blast! It was so nice to get away and clear my head, no stress, no kid, nowhere to be, sun, relaxing, friends that I haven't seen in over a year- it was perfect.
So here we are, May 24th. It snowed this morning to everyone's horror, but then it was melted by noon. Gotta love spring in Utah. I've dipped back in the dating pool and things are going good. Taking things slow and seeing where they go. Hopefully they'll last more then a month :)
I got promoted at work and moved back down to the Salt Lake office as of today, I had a boyfriend, new carpet installed throughout the house, saw my husband Jared Leto and went to Orlando to celebrate my dear friend Patty's retirement.
Some of you got to meet the boyfriend and as sad as I was to see the relationship end, I knew it wasn't going to last and we ended on good terms. I just wish we still hung out. But I think that's what I miss- companionship. I want to go do something with a male rather then chicks all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and enjoy our time together, it would just be nice to have that man around to watch dude movies with. Yeah, didn't sound too convincing did it? ;)
Orlando was awesome! Went all by myself for 5 days and had a blast! It was so nice to get away and clear my head, no stress, no kid, nowhere to be, sun, relaxing, friends that I haven't seen in over a year- it was perfect.
So here we are, May 24th. It snowed this morning to everyone's horror, but then it was melted by noon. Gotta love spring in Utah. I've dipped back in the dating pool and things are going good. Taking things slow and seeing where they go. Hopefully they'll last more then a month :)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
My Life
Is pretty interesting lately. Some aspects are great and wonderful and others are really messed up. Over the last year my life has been going in a downward spiral and last week it came to a head. I feel like I have no control over anything and what I thought I wanted has been my demise.
Some of you know what happened, others will never know because I can not trust them. I do not trust a lot of people I know, and that scares me. I need people not to judge me, but to be there for support and listen. They may not like what I have to say, but I have to be honest. Honest with them, honest with myself. I am in a dark tunnel with a flicker of light at the end. I am my biggest critic and I tend to be too critical, as we all can be, but the thoughts I have shake me to my core.
Because of things that have happened this past week, I finally know exactly what my friend Grant was feeling before he died. I felt the same disappointment, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, devastation, shame, and the unknown consequences that he must have felt. I had the same thoughts he did, I just did not act upon them.
People say I should go back to church and that will make me happy. No, no it wont. Not if it's forced on me. I would much rather go to an AA meeting then go to church, and I don't have an alcohol problem. I'm sure that can be debated now, but I'm not a hard partier or drink until I pass out, or puke or black out, but I do like to have fun once in a while.
In summary, I'm going through a really difficult time right now and hopefully it will get better in the next 2 months or so, and now will be the time when I find out who my real friends are, so here's to another adventure!
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