Observations and stuff

So I was out and about this weekend at various venues, and I couldn't help but wonder why girls are more accepting/open/willing when it comes to dating guys, but guys are not.  It blows me away.

I have decided that I can no longer hold onto things that I think I need/want in my life.  I will no longer be the girl that guys come to when there is no other option.  I want to be the first choice, not the consolation prize.  I want someone to give a shit as much as I do, not when it only benefits them.  If somone can't call or text, or smoke signal me in 2 weeks, then it is a clear indication as to where they view me as a part of thier life, which is not in it.  So I will be done.  Done with the games, the bullshit, the heartache, the what if's, the chasing.  For my emotional well being, I can't do it anymore.  My plan is to turn around and walk away.  Walk away from everything and the possibility of anything.  This is why I stayed single for so long.  Why I prefer sex over a relationship.  You know where you stand with sex, and the constant up and down of dating/relationships is too much for me.  Either that or I'm just finding the relationship impaired to date.....

Keep everyone at arms length, and don't let them in.  Don't share anything.  Don't be vulnerable.  Don't be weak.

So with all of that decided, I felt it was time to do something for myself that would make me happy, something I've wanted for a very long time.  Something I have put a lot of thought into.  I got a new tattoo.  I absolutely love it.  It has a lot of meaning/symbolism to it and it made me feel again.

Since about February I have not felt anything except hurt, pain, dissapointment, frustration, aggrivation and betrayal.  Nothing makes me happy anymore.  Nothing excites me.  I have become very disenchanted with everything, to the point I stopped eating.  No matter what I did or didn't do, I still got the same result.  I don't do well with a lot of confusion or mess and that is all that my life has been as of late.

I have decided to take a break from school until the fall so that I can get myself healthy again.  Healthy thoughts, non eating under control, insomnia fixed, more stable emotionally and in my head.  I've been better at the eating thing, and trying to sleep, but it is a constant struggle every day.  I can thank the huge amount of stress for the non eating, but then I look at it and think that eating got me fat, helped me put up walls so I wouldn't get hurt, so why would I want to eat now?  In 2 weeks I lost 15 lbs, and I have managed to keep it off.  No it's not healthy, and I'm trying to intergrate healthy food only back into my diet and not the junk that I was polluting myself with for so long.  So I am eating about once a day now- not what people would like, but it's a start.  Give it time.

I would really like to spend more time with the people I feel like I have negelected over the past couple months/years.  I feel like I need to make amends.  Make things right.  Don't know why the urgency, but I feel like I need to do it sooner, rather then later.

I have also been working on my exercising.  I've done a few 5k's, and I joined a kickball league & will start kickboxing next week.  I wouldn't say I'm excited, but it will be fun to be involved in something, meet new people, beat the crap out of something.....

I need a nice vacation on a beach, with a hot latin man serving me drinks.