Communication at its finest

So much has happened in the last 7 months.  I broke off a relationship, never went to Seattle, went boating in Idaho which was amazing, played on the kickball team again, went to Phoenix over Labor Day to visit my cousin and her new baby, and had a nice relaxing birthday weekend in Gateway, Colorado.

I also took time off from the opposite sex.  I was over all of it.  I was tired of the lies, the non committalness, and wanted to regroup and see how I felt after awhile.  I’m just tired of it never working out.  I want to be with someone, I want to have someone give a crap just like I do.  I don’t want to have to lie to myself that “this one is different” cause truth is, guys who live in Utah aren’t.  

Which brings me to my current state of contentment.  I have been seeing someone for about 6 weeks now, and things are good.  We’ve had minor hiccups, but the majority of the time has been positive and I’m looking forward to the ride.  I think that it’s due to him knowing what he wants, that he’s not waiting for the ‘next best thing’, he’s passionate about what he does, he communicates (to the tune of 10 hour phone conversations), isn’t afraid to  say what’s on his mind- good or bad, he genuinely cares, and he’s open about his feelings toward me.  I know where I stand with him and our relationship and that is something I haven’t had in years.  

In my never ending quest to get the hell out of Utah, I am frustrated yet ok with not finding a job yet.  I would love to leave sooner rather than later, but I am ok with staying until my daughter is out of school in June.  So here I sit, applying for jobs that I know I won’t get, but I do it anyway.

I’ve also started contributing again to a blog which I’ve enjoyed.  The comments are pretty hilarious to some of my posts.  People really are special.    

Speaking of special...  What the hell is with people coming out of the wood works and trying to communicate lately?  It’s really annoying.  My communication suffered a bit last week which was later rectified, I received a text Friday night from a former friend.  I really need to change my number.  Anyways, this person said I was right about a certain situation that happened over 2 years ago, and that I deserved an apology for what happened, and that they were sorry we were not friends anymore.  Fantastic right?  Nope.  Because of said situation, I no longer trust anyone affiliated with that group of people, or new people in general, and this person has texted before the same info, so why again now?  Are they trying to get me to say something, are they drunk & reliving this situation again, I don’t know.  It’s been 2 years.  Leave it alone.  So I told her that it wasn’t her fault, but at least she has a relationship with her sister (that was a total bitch dig) and that there was no way in hell I would ever tell her anything about me.  Just like the time I ran into another one of them at the grocery store and she asked how my daughter was doing (she is good friends with someone who is friends with daughters father) and I kept it formal and didn’t say much.  There was no way I was saying anything and then having her tell the group.

Salt Lake is much too small for me…..   

I know what it feels like, but what does it look like?

I'm talking about my heart.  Right now it feels deflated, crumpled and in a wad on the floor.  It hurts.  It mourns.  It cries.  It's for the what if's, the what could be's, the endless rejection and pain.

I have never been one to take the easy road.  I do things that people don't understand, or can comprehend.

Today I was supposed to drive 16 hours in a Uhaul with someone that everyone is not a fan of.  Then I would spend the next 3 days with this person, then fly home.  I would miss work, Easter with Aush, and be in a place that was unfamiliar, with someone I was comfortable with, but have not spent much time with.

I thought of this as an opportunity to get to know him better, get some insight as to why, hours of talking, and just have an adventure with someone that I care about for the simple fact that he is half of why Aush is here.  Yes it may not be the smartest thing, or something people will never understand why, how or not agree, and I am not asking them to.  All I am asking is for people to be supportive.  Nothing more, nothing less.

We decided that with his work hours unbearable and long, that now would not be a good time, but that in a few weeks we would reevaluate the situation, and I may possibly go up there for a long weekend.  Sounds like we're getting together right?  Nope.  Not at all.  He is different since the move.  He is vulnerable, lonely, homesick, genuine and selfish now, and wanting familiarity.  We are each others safe place where everything is comfortable.  There isn't this need to be somebody that we aren't, or prove something to each other.  We have also talked a lot more lately than we ever have.  He confides, I listen, I advise, give encouraging words, and be there for him.  Like I am for everyone.  He is no different.

I cry because I am mourning his departure, not knowing if or when I will see him again, and it hurts.  I mourn the opportunity this would have been for us.  The adventure.  The unknown.  Was I thinking that this would change everything and he would now want to be involved in our child's life?  Heavens no.  That was never in my thought process and I am not that naive.  I came to terms with that within the first few months of her existence.  

Now more then ever I feel a sense of urgency to leave Utah.  To remove myself from everything that is here since I feel like I'm just standing still in life.  Nothing excited me anymore, or makes me want to stay, which is a huge red flag.  I don't know when it will happen, but the time will come and I will be so excited.      

A rough weekend and a decision made

This past weekend was full of insight, tears, loss, mourning, rebirth & celebration.

Friday I went and had my cards read.  I have been struggling the last few months with some feelings that I have been having, and decided I needed some insight.  It was very helpful.  I followed the advice, and one situation turned out like he had said, although not the way I wanted it to turn out, but I knew deep down that it wasn't meant to be.  It's just hard admitting and realizing that to yourself, let alone, have the other person validate it as well.  I was also told a few other things that other psychics and mediums have told me as well, and the decision has been made.  I am moving this summer to California.  For awhile I have felt like Utah isn't the place for me and that what I want is not here.  It has been confirmed by 3 people now that my feeling is right, all of them telling me the same location, so there I shall go.  No fear.  Just go.  Have faith in what is supposed to be.

I also had to say goodbye to my amazing dog Pooda.  There will never be another dog like her.  Ever.  I got her when she was 8 weeks old- she was born June 17, 2001.  Jason and I wanted to get a dog, so I looked in the paper and found dachshunds for the price I wanted to pay for a dog.  I had no idea what the heck a dachshund was, but off we went.  As the puppies came running out, all I cared about was the runt.  The one left behind.  The one no one paid attention to.  That was to be mine.  Jason said once he saw my face as I looked at that dog, he knew we weren't leaving without it.  I was in love.  She gravitated to Jason more and I loved coming home seeing him playing with her, or putting her in the tub with him when he had a bath- watching her swim, teaching her to sit pretty, going for walks downtown, putting her in flower beds to see how small she really was, etc.  She was like our child.  That's all I took pictures of.  Him and her.  Her and me.  We took her everywhere.  That's when my mom became Nana.

Pooda had some health issues this summer/fall time and the vet said she may have cancer, so she was put on steroids to prolong her life a bit.  A few weeks ago she stopped eating and started throwing up and having diarrhea.  She got back on the steroids and was able to eat again, and looked better.  Christmas she was normal.  Loving everyone.  Sat with me all day, sleeping between me and the back of the couch.  I brought her home and she spent the night.  Thursday night Poo's eyes were cloudy.  Friday my mom said that she was acting odd and getting lost, walking around in circles, getting stuck in corners and crying.  I looked online and it said that it could be Alzheimers.  We then decided to take her Tuesday to the vet to get checked out.  I didn't see Pooda Saturday, then on Sunday at church, my mom texted saying that she wasn't good and was taking her to the vet.  My sister called 3 times, before I finally picked up saying that I needed to come now since she may have to be put down.  I told them no, and that I was on my way.  We got to the clinic and mom told me that Pooda had a seizure earlier that day, and that when she peed, she fell over.  She had no strength to stand.  I lost it.  Her eyes were incredibly clouded over, she was shaking, she was uncomfortable, and I just held my baby.  I kissed her, and made the decision to put her down.  This is not the kind of life I wanted for her.  I didn't want her to suffer anymore.  We went to the exam room, and the vet came in and said that she had gone blind in both eyes, and that behavior she had been displaying meant a high probability that she had a brain tumor.  I lost it again.  But I knew that I was doing the right thing.  Everyone had come to the clinic except for my dad who is never good with this stuff.  We all cried, kissed her, hugged her and said our last goodbye's.  Ausha went outside the room with my brother and sister in law, while myself, my sister and Nana stayed.  I put my hand over her little body on her chest, and felt her last heartbeat.  It was agonizing.  We wrapped her back in the blanket and took her home.  The next day we took her to our normal vet to have her cremated.  She was there through everything.  When I brought Ausha home from the hospital, she would hover over the crib and watch this new thing in the house.  Nana was afraid she would jump in and crush her.  Pooda loved Ausha and Ausha loved Pooda.  Poo was her older sister & we'd joke about it.

So dealing with that, we also had to go through with celebrating Ausha's birthday as a family that day.  We had cake, ice cream, grilled cheese sandwiches, laughed about our memories of Pooda, and told the girls that all dogs go to heaven because they made a movie about it.

Then at my cousins annual New Year's Eve party, my cousin from Phoenix surprised everyone by coming up for a few days announcing she was pregnant.  Finally!  I am so excited for her.  It is finally her time and she will be a great mom.  At midnight when the ball dropped, everyone on tv were kissing, and I lost it.  That is all I have ever wanted on New Year's and the thought of having it finally this year, then not, was hard.  I looked over and my second cousin is getting engaged to her boyfriend.  At that point, I could not take anymore.  The pain was unbearable.  I grabbed my stuff and left.  I feel horrible for not congratulating them, but I was going through so much, I couldn't at that exact moment.  I am happy for her, no doubt about that, but feeling like I failed at something else (again), and that the universe was throwing it in my face.

Talking to my friend Amanda about leaving, she said it made sense since Utahns marry so early on, get divorced in their late 20's early 30's and the last thing on their mind is being in a committed relationship.  I want to be in a relationship.  I want to be in love.  For the first time ever.  Real love.  I want to have someone to come home to.  I want to be loved.  I want the perfect person for me.  I want my daughter to have a good male role model.  I want to have what other people have been able to find so easily, or have found more than once.  I know I won't find it here, and so I can't stay somewhere where I am not happy, or be afraid to leave cause California is expensive, etc.  People are not happy with this decision, but it is my life and I have to do what I feel is right for me, live my life for me, not to please other people or do what I think other people would be happy with.

I have already put my plan into action, and soon be following through with it.  Rebirth is on the horizon.