This past weekend was full of insight, tears, loss, mourning, rebirth & celebration.
Friday I went and had my cards read. I have been struggling the last few months with some feelings that I have been having, and decided I needed some insight. It was very helpful. I followed the advice, and one situation turned out like he had said, although not the way I wanted it to turn out, but I knew deep down that it wasn't meant to be. It's just hard admitting and realizing that to yourself, let alone, have the other person validate it as well. I was also told a few other things that other psychics and mediums have told me as well, and the decision has been made. I am moving this summer to California. For awhile I have felt like Utah isn't the place for me and that what I want is not here. It has been confirmed by 3 people now that my feeling is right, all of them telling me the same location, so there I shall go. No fear. Just go. Have faith in what is supposed to be.
I also had to say goodbye to my amazing dog Pooda. There will never be another dog like her. Ever. I got her when she was 8 weeks old- she was born June 17, 2001. Jason and I wanted to get a dog, so I looked in the paper and found dachshunds for the price I wanted to pay for a dog. I had no idea what the heck a dachshund was, but off we went. As the puppies came running out, all I cared about was the runt. The one left behind. The one no one paid attention to. That was to be mine. Jason said once he saw my face as I looked at that dog, he knew we weren't leaving without it. I was in love. She gravitated to Jason more and I loved coming home seeing him playing with her, or putting her in the tub with him when he had a bath- watching her swim, teaching her to sit pretty, going for walks downtown, putting her in flower beds to see how small she really was, etc. She was like our child. That's all I took pictures of. Him and her. Her and me. We took her everywhere. That's when my mom became Nana.
Pooda had some health issues this summer/fall time and the vet said she may have cancer, so she was put on steroids to prolong her life a bit. A few weeks ago she stopped eating and started throwing up and having diarrhea. She got back on the steroids and was able to eat again, and looked better. Christmas she was normal. Loving everyone. Sat with me all day, sleeping between me and the back of the couch. I brought her home and she spent the night. Thursday night Poo's eyes were cloudy. Friday my mom said that she was acting odd and getting lost, walking around in circles, getting stuck in corners and crying. I looked online and it said that it could be Alzheimers. We then decided to take her Tuesday to the vet to get checked out. I didn't see Pooda Saturday, then on Sunday at church, my mom texted saying that she wasn't good and was taking her to the vet. My sister called 3 times, before I finally picked up saying that I needed to come now since she may have to be put down. I told them no, and that I was on my way. We got to the clinic and mom told me that Pooda had a seizure earlier that day, and that when she peed, she fell over. She had no strength to stand. I lost it. Her eyes were incredibly clouded over, she was shaking, she was uncomfortable, and I just held my baby. I kissed her, and made the decision to put her down. This is not the kind of life I wanted for her. I didn't want her to suffer anymore. We went to the exam room, and the vet came in and said that she had gone blind in both eyes, and that behavior she had been displaying meant a high probability that she had a brain tumor. I lost it again. But I knew that I was doing the right thing. Everyone had come to the clinic except for my dad who is never good with this stuff. We all cried, kissed her, hugged her and said our last goodbye's. Ausha went outside the room with my brother and sister in law, while myself, my sister and Nana stayed. I put my hand over her little body on her chest, and felt her last heartbeat. It was agonizing. We wrapped her back in the blanket and took her home. The next day we took her to our normal vet to have her cremated. She was there through everything. When I brought Ausha home from the hospital, she would hover over the crib and watch this new thing in the house. Nana was afraid she would jump in and crush her. Pooda loved Ausha and Ausha loved Pooda. Poo was her older sister & we'd joke about it.
So dealing with that, we also had to go through with celebrating Ausha's birthday as a family that day. We had cake, ice cream, grilled cheese sandwiches, laughed about our memories of Pooda, and told the girls that all dogs go to heaven because they made a movie about it.
Then at my cousins annual New Year's Eve party, my cousin from Phoenix surprised everyone by coming up for a few days announcing she was pregnant. Finally! I am so excited for her. It is finally her time and she will be a great mom. At midnight when the ball dropped, everyone on tv were kissing, and I lost it. That is all I have ever wanted on New Year's and the thought of having it finally this year, then not, was hard. I looked over and my second cousin is getting engaged to her boyfriend. At that point, I could not take anymore. The pain was unbearable. I grabbed my stuff and left. I feel horrible for not congratulating them, but I was going through so much, I couldn't at that exact moment. I am happy for her, no doubt about that, but feeling like I failed at something else (again), and that the universe was throwing it in my face.
Talking to my friend Amanda about leaving, she said it made sense since Utahns marry so early on, get divorced in their late 20's early 30's and the last thing on their mind is being in a committed relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in love. For the first time ever. Real love. I want to have someone to come home to. I want to be loved. I want the perfect person for me. I want my daughter to have a good male role model. I want to have what other people have been able to find so easily, or have found more than once. I know I won't find it here, and so I can't stay somewhere where I am not happy, or be afraid to leave cause California is expensive, etc. People are not happy with this decision, but it is my life and I have to do what I feel is right for me, live my life for me, not to please other people or do what I think other people would be happy with.
I have already put my plan into action, and soon be following through with it. Rebirth is on the horizon.
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