Let's all suck together

I really need to do this more often. Three months is unacceptable.

As usual, a lot has happened in the last 3 months. I reconnected with an ex, spent some time with him, he met Ausha, hung out with us for 9 days, spent Thanksgiving with us- it was surreal.

Then December came and all hell broke loose. January was also just as hellish. Talk about anxiety, stress, 64 hour work weeks, having to do Ausha's birthday party super late, getting finances in order because I get to find a new place to live come August. It truly will never end.

Then came February. I get to take a break on Tuesday, and for 6 days I will ahve no computer, no work, no stress. Possibly not even facebook.

Bright side is that I get to get away, recharge the batteries, spend some much needed time with Ausha and being reminded how amazing life is and the people that are in mine.

Searching for my soul

I know I have one, but here are the days of truly searching.

Turning 30 has undoubtedly thrown me for a loop. I am now breaking out the past and wondering where I went wrong. Or what have I done in a past life to deserve this. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and feel truly blessed and grateful for everything I have been through and experienced, because I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I'm just frustrated with how much pressure there is on people to be a certain way, or to obtain things or be something, or established by the time they hit 30.

Maybe it was the way I was raised. I don't know. I look at everyone I grew up with and they are all married, have a career, mortgage, kids, etc. and I feel as though I have missed the 'grown up' boat. But then I remember that I was 'married' for like 5minutes, have the kid, the good job without having to go to college, a great place to live, and the freedom to do whatever I want, when I want. So in a way I've been there, done that, and I have to remember that what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander, not everyone wants the same things, and that deep down, I love my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just wish I had someone to share it with other then my child.

People may not agree or approve with what I do, or how I live my life. There is nothing anyone can do to hurt me that hasn't already been done. I'm just tired of all the bullshit, games and ridiculousness. It's exhausting.

Maybe it's time to run away for a minute. Good thing I know where I'm going for this one, and it's soon.

Wow

I am a total slacker. It's been 2 months and I totally need to be better at this since this is cheaper then therapy.

So the "crush" got crushed, had a few dates since then, but of course nothing serious. There's this current dude man who I was pretty smitten with until he opened his mouth and said he is dating other people, and has left me tonight after spending all day together to go out on another date. Then he texts me and tells me I'm awesome. Hmmm... WTF? I don't have time for bullshit like this, especially if he thinks I can trust him, and then he has balls to get upset that I question his character. Honestly? Wow. So in essence, I'm not holding much stock in this one, and having fun, just not committing to anything yet.

Two more weeks until Oahu and I am so excited. Who knew I would be excited visiting Hawaii, but I am. I am super excited to lay at the beach all day and do nothing. I'm excited to take Ausha snorkeling in the ocean since she is old enough now. I'm excited to turn another decade in the sun at the beach where I feel at home and peaceful. I'm excited to leave Utah for a week.

Ausha started 1st grade and absolutely loves it. Today she informed me that she has been in school for 14 days now. Apparently they are counting in class. On her first day, she came home and was super excited that she now gets 3 recesses, her own desk and hot lunch. I could not believe how much her eyes lit up when she was talking about it. I am so excited that she is excited to learn and loves school. I can thank her dad for passing that along since I loathed school.

Speaking of the ATM, he pretty much disagreed with everything, and now who knows when this will be resolved. It really is annoying and frustrating to say the least. Oh yeah, and the $1.25 overpayment. The state is holding $100 of Ausha's that she can't have unless I send the state my 2005, yes, my 2005 health insurance coverage information. Are you kidding me? Just so ATM can be credited $1.25. FML hardcore. Totally makes sense....

Mi Vida Loco

Since my last post, I have been super, super happy. I haven't been this happy in almost 2 years. Things are going the way they should and I couldn't be happier. Work is fantastic (just finished a 74 hour work week), and home life is always good. Whatever the future holds I am totally ready for it and whatever is thrown at me.

June went by amazingly fast, nothing too exciting to report except my court date, a call from ORS and my wonderful cousin Debi's wedding. Other then that it was uneventful. Court went as good as it could go. Ausha's ATM wanted me to submit to him again a year and a half's worth of daycare and medical proving the amount I said he owed was accurate, and it was, so hopefully in 15 days I can get my judgement and not have to go back to court. ORS said they were going to give said ATM credit for 'overpayment' to which was calculated to be $1.14 yet he owes me $5k so go figure. Now to the wedding. Debi has been more like a sister to me then a cousin and I am so happy that she has found someone to spend her life with and I couldn't be more happier for her. She deserves to be happy.

Now to July. Here it is, the 5th and I have a crush. Things are going very slow which for me is excruciating, but it needs to be as such. We talk daily and see each other once a week and have no plans on meeting family or kids until we are ready. He doesn't want anymore kids or to get married, so right off we are destined to be together. Yeah right. Trying to figure out a dude is the most retarded thing in the world, not to mention knowing if he's telling you the truth. I have trust issues and I don't trust people. You have to prove to me that you aren't a fuck up before I will believe you. Until then, I will end things at the most littlest thing because I don't want to get hurt. My walls are down, but I will throw in the towel if I feel you're not in it to win it. No wonder I'm single.

Time for a road trip....

I Have Reached The Light

Wow, the last thing I posted was back in February. Sorry. Lots of things have happened- obviously- and I am happy to report that they are for the better.

I got promoted at work and moved back down to the Salt Lake office as of today, I had a boyfriend, new carpet installed throughout the house, saw my husband Jared Leto and went to Orlando to celebrate my dear friend Patty's retirement.

Some of you got to meet the boyfriend and as sad as I was to see the relationship end, I knew it wasn't going to last and we ended on good terms. I just wish we still hung out. But I think that's what I miss- companionship. I want to go do something with a male rather then chicks all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and enjoy our time together, it would just be nice to have that man around to watch dude movies with. Yeah, didn't sound too convincing did it? ;)

Orlando was awesome! Went all by myself for 5 days and had a blast! It was so nice to get away and clear my head, no stress, no kid, nowhere to be, sun, relaxing, friends that I haven't seen in over a year- it was perfect.

So here we are, May 24th. It snowed this morning to everyone's horror, but then it was melted by noon. Gotta love spring in Utah. I've dipped back in the dating pool and things are going good. Taking things slow and seeing where they go. Hopefully they'll last more then a month :)

My Life

Is pretty interesting lately. Some aspects are great and wonderful and others are really messed up. Over the last year my life has been going in a downward spiral and last week it came to a head. I feel like I have no control over anything and what I thought I wanted has been my demise.

Some of you know what happened, others will never know because I can not trust them. I do not trust a lot of people I know, and that scares me. I need people not to judge me, but to be there for support and listen. They may not like what I have to say, but I have to be honest. Honest with them, honest with myself. I am in a dark tunnel with a flicker of light at the end. I am my biggest critic and I tend to be too critical, as we all can be, but the thoughts I have shake me to my core.

Because of things that have happened this past week, I finally know exactly what my friend Grant was feeling before he died. I felt the same disappointment, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, devastation, shame, and the unknown consequences that he must have felt. I had the same thoughts he did, I just did not act upon them.

People say I should go back to church and that will make me happy. No, no it wont.  Not if it's forced on me. I would much rather go to an AA meeting then go to church, and I don't have an alcohol problem. I'm sure that can be debated now, but I'm not a hard partier or drink until I pass out, or puke or black out, but I do like to have fun once in a while.

In summary, I'm going through a really difficult time right now and hopefully it will get better in the next 2 months or so, and now will be the time when I find out who my real friends are, so here's to another adventure!

Oh my neglected blog

I need to make this more of a priority, but then again, does anyone care?
I'm halfway through my 2nd round and boy temptation, temptation, temptation! Yes on occasion I have given in, but I do try to refrain. Things could be better, but then so could my will power.

Thanksgiving was awesome as always out at the Wensel home. Missing two of our favorite boys, but we did take lots of pics and wrote Christmas cards for them that we sent out a few days ago in a care package, so they will love that.

Things in general are ok, could be better, but I'll take them as they come. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but boy there are some days where I think it will kill me! Positive thoughts, positive thoughts....

Ausha had her birthday party last Saturday and it was a success! It was Hello Kitty themed pool party and the girls had an absolute blast! It is so scary to think that my little girl is going to be six. Oh my how the time has flown and all the things that have happened in the last 6 years!

Now it's time to get ready for Christmas......

Another Round

So I started another round of HCG yesterday and oh my gosh the gorge days are hard! They sound easy and somewhat fun, but by golly they are not. It's hard to eat everything and anything unhealthy in a 24 hour period when you feel like puking but it has to be done. I'm really excited for this round and I should complete it by the end of the year or when I reach my target weight for this round. I'm doing an extra 10-15 days, for a total of around 40-45 days, so wish me luck!

Therapy

This blog is very therapeutic and I would die if it left me. This is my journal for the whole world to see to share in my happiness, my sadness, trials, and accomplishments, and all the crap in between.

So here is the latest. I am starting another round of HCG tomorrow and I can't wait. I feel and look so much better, I can't wait for this next installment and what that will bring. I will be finished at the end of the year, so I couldn't be more excited.

Boys are still a constant struggle in my life. I have what i need/want in 2 people but can't ever find one with both. So I will keep one, remain only friends with the other one and call it a day. Go me.

Ausha has already planned her birthday party for next month. She wants a pool party Bratz themed. Help me now! Pool I can do, Bratz are gonna be the death of me. It will be fun though and that's the most important thing. My wonderful daughter is gonna be 6- holy cow! Time sure does fly by and for the most part it has all been really fantastically good times.

Where is the warm weather?

So Cali and Vegas were a complete blast! The weather was amazing and I never wanted to come home.

While in Cali, I got a makeover and have since started wearing makeup full time. Crazy I know- the natural, tomboy has turned in to a full time girl! Oh the many people that thought that day would never come. We spent a day at Balboa Island, which I highly recommend- the beach is fantastic and it's super clean, refreshing and quiet. We went on a dolphin tour in the Pacific Ocean which was lots of fun- saw tons of dolphins and a couple whales. We spent a day at Disney and a day at California Adventure and Ausha was finally tall enough to ride Space Mountain! She didn't like it but I liked that she was able to go on it. My baby is getting so tall! Then one day we went to the Aquarium of the pacific in Long Beach and that was a lot of fun. I love aquariums and anything having to do with the ocean. My dream is to live in a tent on the beach somewhere warm.

Then Vegas. Ahhh.... Vegas. We got the hookup from one of Stella's tenants and free money from Verizon, so it was well worth it. The LMFAO concert was outstanding! I have decided that more concerts need alcohol and dancing. We danced our asses off and had a blast.

Definitely one of the best shows I've seen in a long time. They need to come to SLC though.
Life is crazy, hectic, chaotic, overwhelming and frustrating right now, but I know that this too shall pass. Just not soon enough. So much with so little but I've started looking a few days ahead instead of day of, and each new day brings new adventures. It's kinda tough right now to be positive, but you have to do it.
Until next time.....